July 28th is the infamous move in day. Tristan and I are going to have to make a quick trip up to DFW to drop off my dog and cat for my mom to babysit, pick up a U-Haul, and get several pieces of furniture from my grandmother's house. Then we drive back to the 'Ville, load up my house there, clean, and head over to CS the morning of the 28th.
Not to mention the VERY next morning I leave for San Antonio for Texas Choral Director's Association convention (www.ensemble.org). All of this is super exciting, but by the time I get back home I am going to be exhausted. The good thing is I managed to put off a couple of my inservice classes so that I could get my house in some semblance of order before I start working again.
I'm very excited to get a new place of my own. My current house doesn't even feel like my house right now with all the boxes and clutter. I'm slowly packing up everything I don't immediately need and cleaning as much as I can. The cleaning is semi-difficult because 1) I HATE cleaning and 2) it's hard to clean around all the junk still in my house.
I do have to say, things are really falling into place. I finally started praying about the whole moving situation after my last post and a long talk with two of my favorite ladies at my church. I'm so type-A and stubborn that it's hard to just have faith.
The older I get, the harder it is to turn things over to God, and the more I tend to question what I actually believe in. Oh, to believe like I did when I was younger. I'm not sure the questioning is a good thing. Sometimes the questions that pop into my head scare me. I guess that just means that somewhere inside, past all the worry and mistrust, I still believe that there HAS to be a God that loves me and has control over the happenings in my life. Otherwise the questions wouldn't seem scary and there would be no debate, right? The other part of that is that while I know God wants us to believe like children (how I would love to get that kind of serenity back!) I also don't think he wants us to have BLIND faith. I mean, anyone who has been around children knows that they are always asking questions and wanting to see proof of things. And proof doesn't always have to be concrete. Think about this: How do you know if someone loves you? They can tell you, but how do you know? Their actions. Sometimes they buy you dinner or bring you flowers. Those are very tangible acts. But sometimes it's just a matter of that person listening to you, or sitting with you-the act of simply being there. And while you see them there, other people may not always understand the significance of the situation or how just their presence made you feel loved.
That's kind of what I'm trying to see with my faith. I'm trying to see how God has a hand in things even when I can't see how a situation is going to work out or the purpose of it. One thing that really has been a struggle for me was Maura's death. For anyone reading this that doesn't know who Maura is, she was a voice major at Sam. We were friends, but not super close or anything. A year ago she was diagnosed with cancer and fought a long, hard battle, finally passing away this past May (www.mauraupdate.blogspot.com). Maura was one of the bubbliest, most beautiful, most kind people I've ever met. And she had this awesome faith. Like I said, we weren't all that close, but I was really affected by her whole situation. Why would God allow that to happen to someone so young, with so much potential? How could He take her away from her friends and her family? How was that FAIR? How does that show God's love? I'm still struggling over that. It's just so hard to understand the whole situation. And I know things like that happen every day. But I don't think I've ever actually known someone my age that died. Even now, I'll think of her and the frustration almost chokes me. I don't know why her situation has become such a fixation for me. And I don't feel like I can really talk about it because there are people I'm around who were very close to her and who are probably way more frustrated than I am. I'm just seeking a purpose in this life. And a reason why things happen.
Whoa, I totally didn't know that's what this post was going to turn into. Just some things I've been bottling up, I suppose.
The point is . . (or at least the point I'll make, anyway) that I am trying very hard to turn things over, to have faith, and to be a more positive individual. Life is too short to be bitter, to complain, or to be selfish all the time. I know I have a tendency to complain and to think of myself a little too much. But as I look forward to the new beginnings I mentioned in the last post, and to moving to a new house, job, church, and group of friends (or re-uniting with old ones), I am trying to make the most of my life. As Tristan likes to say, I'm a "grown up" now. It's time to start fitting into my new role and using my strengths to help other people and become the person God planned for me to be.
Until Next Time . . .
1 comment:
ask the questions and expect the answers. I know the scary questions. I get them too. But I figure, if God is who He says He is, He'll be able to answer it one way or another and I won't lose my faith over it. Actually...my faith gets stronger. Because there's someone on the other side of the questions that knows the answer and is in control. Our questions don't scare Him. I think they make our faith stronger if we really ask and really wait for an answer.
ps I still haven't found the answer to Maura's death. I don't think I will this side of Heaven but I will continue to ask him every day of my life. And each answer He gives builds on the last but its never the full answer. Go figure. I think He likes his "mysterious" image like any guy would relish being the "mysterious and possibly most dangerous" guy in school. Or I could just be putting human emotions on him. But it is the only way we can look because it is the only pair of glasses we own...human ones. I wonder how angels think. I wonder what they thought about all the angels that fell and are sentenced to hell. Gotta have been traumatic. A whole war was fought in Heaven over it.
I'm shutting up now. Nice to meet you. I love hearing about people who were affected by my sister. She was a special person and I miss her so much it hurts so I'm sure other people do too.
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